Any time I think I'm doing ok or am feeling a peace about our struggles with infertility, it hits me like a ton of bricks. A friend of mine recently found out he and his wife were pregnant and I was ok. I was actually genuinely happy about the news. Usually it takes me a bit to be ok after I go through a quiet grieving period. So I thought to myself, "terrific! It feels so awesome to be really happy for them!" And then yesterday hit me.
A couple of friends of ours began the adoption process for Guatemala a month after we had to cancel ours. They submitted their dossier in December, and I figured that at the rate we were going to get some things (and the fact that our social worker had moved out of state), we probably would have had our dossier submitted around the same time. They received their referral in January for a little boy, only a few days after he was born. They were in and out of PGN rather quickly and received "pink" a few weeks ago. Last week, they received the call that they had to be at the embassy in Guatemala today. A couple of days ago, on myspace, a bulletin was posted that they were in Guatemala and had their son. There were pictures of them with him in their arms, looking so happy. Today his visa was approved, and they take him home on Thursday.
Yesterday I was working out in the living room when it just all fell on me...and I just started sobbing, yelling out that it was supposed to be us, it was supposed to be my son in my arms and how can it be fair that we're left broken hearted so many times? I grabbed my Bible and just randomly started opening up to anywhere it would land and angrily said "You SHOW me! Show me that You will get me through this!!" I was mad and hurt. I looked at where the pages had opened up to and started reading out loud as much as I could through my sobs. I was reading the Psalms. And not just any Psalms, but they were specific Psalms on hearts in despair, Psalms that were crying out in emotional anguish...Psalms that started out that desperate but all ended with reminders of God's protection and deliverance. They were Psalms reminding me that people before me, before my time, had gone through heartbreak and emotional turmoil and yet God never forgot about them, He never let them go. In my time of need, my time of desperation, God answered my cries and my ranting and He did show me that He would get me through this.
I am happy for my friends who successfully adopted from Guatemala. I just didn't really expect it to hit me like it did. I am forever grateful to a loving and gracious Father who cares enough about me to hold me when I fall, completely broken, and give me reminders that He didn't lead me into a valley just to leave me stranded. My favorite Bible verse actually comes from the Psalms.
"Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5
I don't necessarily believe that it means that I will one morning wake up and discover I am pregnant or that we can have a successful adoption. I believe that God is reminding me that one day, I will find joy in ANY direction He will lead us, whether or not that direction includes children. I may be weeping now, but I look forward to the day the morning arrives.